


Solitas Deus

by crediniaeth



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-30
Updated: 2010-01-29
Packaged: 2017-10-06 20:05:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/57281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crediniaeth/pseuds/crediniaeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We know how it is to be lonely. We know it hurts, Doctor. We, your audience, know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for dark_aegis as part of the 2006 Doctor Who Tenth Doctor ficathon on livejournal. Spoilers for the Pertwee era, the TV Movie, PotW, CiN, Tooth &amp; Claw, Doomsday, and Torchwood.

You are lonely, aren’t you?

And no matter how many people you bring along on your adventures, you will still be lonely. One could say it’s your fault, an idiosyncrasy that will follow you for eternity, but you want to believe that’s a complete and utter lie. But you can’t.

Somewhere in those two hearts of yours, you know it.

We know how it is to be lonely. We know it hurts, Doctor. We, your audience, know.

We’re human.

\--

You know you’re not supposed to, but you go to find Jack. He’ll understand the pain you’re going through; hell, he wanted you once… maybe he’ll want you again. We doubt it, though. You left him behind. You knew he was alive (you told her so yourself), and you left him behind with a hand wave and an excuse. She accepted it. He won’t.

At least the two of you can mourn together. Mourn… for someone who still breathes. We can expect that from him, he’s human like us (at least he got to say goodbye, you tried and fucked it up), but from not you, Doctor. Should we expect you to be stoic? Ever moving forward? Never standing still or going back? Of course! That’s your nature.

But you are going back… and we don’t know what to think.

\--

It’s back to Cardiff with that old soul of yours; a pizza delivery box in both hands and grief written all over your face. Somehow, you catch the right cues, say the right lines, and you find yourself in The Hub, the beating heart of this little part of the Torchwood Institute, this… thing created to bring forth your destruction.

_And hers_, you remember all too well.

And there he is, our Captain Jack. The smile you remember isn’t there. There’s no familiarity in the eyes staring you down. It’s only then you remember that he’s never seen this body before. In some ways, it makes you bolder. You stand toe-to-toe with this person who entrusted his life to you once (and look how that turned out). Words are shared. Things get heated. Guns are raised by soldier and scientist alike… and then he smiles. _That_ smile, the one you were looking for.

It’s the smile he gives you before throwing a right hook to your jaw.

The blood trickling down from the corner of your mouth speaks volumes. As you slip into unconsciousness, you note that your blood doesn’t taste of iron.

\--

We knew that would happen. You knew it too and tried to ignore it. What did you expect, Doctor? A joyful reunion? You left him in the middle of Armageddon! Alone! You expect one Time Agent to rebuild an entire world, and not come out a little worse for wear on the other side? You complete and utter fool.

As far as we can see, you deserve that growing bruise that Jack gave you. Maybe that will teach you something about human emotions and how they can grow over time.

We know you’ll never learn any other way.

\--

You wake up in a barren cell to see a nameless medic patching you up, no doubt with some alien tech they’ve managed to poke and prod until it turned on. You thank her – she scurries away. She’s wary of you, Doctor - it's the Institute’s training doing its job.

Only Jack knows of the true, destructive power that you possess.

A power you, a coward (instead of a killer, any day), didn’t use.

He comes to see you 4 hours, 23 minutes, and 53 seconds later (of course, you would know that so precisely) and the anger is still there.

He asks questions, questions that hurt where they shouldn’t. You answer with no ulterior motive. You want to get past this shite.

You want to heal.

But first: the Game Station. The Daleks.

_Why did you leave me behind?_

_ Where’s Rose? _

The insane laugh you gave her after your regeneration is just a memory. The feelings it should conjure lie dormant.

You want to tell him everything, but it’s two weeks before Doomsday. What can you say? What can you tell this man that you… that won’t pollute the timeline? Would he take the next train to London? Would he try and save her?

Would he succeed where you failed?

_She’s gone someplace I couldn’t follow,_ you say. _She saved the world again, Jack, like she did before. She’s safe with Jackie and Mickey. I gave her a family, I gave her that much. Oh Jack… she was glorious. She truly was._

He wants to believe you; you can see it in his eyes. That desperate look that says he wants her to be safe (which she is) and happy (which she is absolutely not)…

_But why come here, Doc? Why now, after all this time?_

Your answer is as clear as day – _I needed a friend._

\--

That half-human side of yours is showing. You want to forget. You want to go out to some bar with the only man in this era that knows you better than anyone. You want to get fucking knackered. You want to fuck or be fucked.

You just want to forget. Forget that you let her down. Feel as raw as your throat did after… forget that even in her shining moment, you failed her.

Just like all the others. Just like the man standing before you.

_I’m sorry, Jack. For leaving you. All you went through, it got you here. Where you’re supposed to be. I couldn’t change that. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry._

It may not be much, but you get an A for effort. It softens the edges that have formed around this con-man since the last time you saw him. You may get that drink (fuck) after all.

\--

It pays to have friends in high places, it always did for you. We know about your tour of duty at UNIT. They must have moved heaven and earth to keep the Institute off your back during your “exile”.

It pays now, because you’re no longer in a cell. You’re in Jack’s apartment overlooking the Bay. You have a home-cooked meal in your belly. A can of Brains Bitter on a coaster to your left. There’s the sound of dishes being washed in the kitchen behind you.

It’s a picture of domesticity.

She would be disappointed it wasn’t with her.

It’s a very foreign thing, but you sincerely want to try, if only for her sake. And if you’re honest with yourself, it’s a welcome change from all the destruction you’ve left in your wake as of late. But if you're really honest with yourself, this could never be your life.

Jack sits on the sofa beside you. Both of you are as nervous as schoolchildren. You take the initiative.

Your head on Jack’s shoulder. Jack’s arm around your back. You shed more tears, although not as many as she would have done for you.

Then it turns into comfort of another sort (we won’t say “sympathy fuck” because that’s just crude), but we’ll be blunt and say we were waiting for this.

Sloppy kisses. Your tie being ripped off. Hands along skin. Untucked shirts.

_This is what you wanted, right,_ he says between kisses. _I’ll give it to you. You know me. I died for you, once._

_I do. I know._

You’re the one pushed backwards into the darkened bedroom. You’re the one that gets to sprawl on the sheets. The fingers in your ass. The cock in your ass. The heavy weight of Jack surrounding you until you can’t breathe. That eager mouth of his memorizing every plane of this new body of yours.

It’s pain. It’s pleasure. It’s forgetting who you are for just a moment before it crashes in on your conscience –

_This was what she wanted, too. The intimacy. The physicality of it all._

_The love._

Somehow, you’re healed and broken again all at the same time.

\--

It’s still dark out. You’re still all sorts of tangled limbs and tangled sheets. And your human side is getting the best of you, Doctor. You’re getting attached. Again.

_I honestly don’t expect you to say yes, but you’re all I’ve got now._

_Come with me._

_Please._

You know that human cliché about a moment lasting a lifetime? You’re living it right now. You don’t really expect this man that you abandoned (with the heart that you broke) to come back to you. You changed him, Doctor. You made him into a hero, a hero carved out of hardship, despair, and most of all, loneliness.

Both of you are lonely. We see that. Maybe that’s enough for a half-human bastard and a con-man. Maybe it’s not.

But at least you tried.


	2. Solitas Deus - Author Commentary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This commentary was written in September 2006 on Livejournal. It's being added onto this story in 2013 for the sake of completeness.

You are lonely, aren’t you?  
  
**_The phrase wot started it all. When I first recieved my assignment, this is what came to mind, and the rest of the story flowed out of that one line._**  
  
And no matter how many people you bring along on your adventures, you will still be lonely. One could say it’s your fault, an idiosyncrasy that will follow you for eternity, but you want to believe that’s a complete and utter lie. But you can’t.   
  
Somewhere in those two hearts of yours, you know it.  
  
We know how it is to be lonely. We know it hurts, Doctor. We, your audience, know.   
  
We’re human.  
  
**_I had always imagined this story being from an outsider's point of view, but in the first draft, you weren't supposed to know who's POV it was. There was some trepidation on both my and my beta's part about "letting the secret out", but the feedback I recieved from the readers was positive, so all that worrying was for naught._**  
  
\--  
  
You know you’re not supposed to, but you go to find Jack. He’ll understand the pain you’re going through; hell, he wanted you once… maybe he’ll want you again. We doubt it, though. You left him behind. You knew he was alive (you told her so yourself), and you left him behind with a hand wave and an excuse. She accepted it. He won’t.  
  
**_All throughout the second season, I was always concerned about The Doctor leaving Jack behind, or on the simplest level, giving Rose a really lame excuse in the Children In Need special. I guess this story is me trying to work out why The Doctor did what he did._**  
  
At least the two of you can mourn together. Mourn… for someone who still breathes. We can expect that from him, he’s human like us (at least he got to say goodbye, you tried and fucked it up), but from not you, Doctor. Should we expect you to be stoic? Ever moving forward? Never standing still or going back? Of course! That’s your nature.  
  
But you are going back… and we don’t know what to think.  
  
**_Those two paragraphs were influenced by, amazingly, a fanvid. Calapine's "What About Everything", to be exact. In the very beginning, One mentions that he would "come back" to where ever he was leaving. Now, I don't know all that much about early canon, but I can deduce that he never did. What if, after all that The Doctor has gone through leading up to this fic (i.e. Doomsday, losing Rose, being emo), he did? To the one person who can understand that same loss, even if it was The Doctor's fault? He's going against his own grain, and it's very interesting._**  
  
\--  
  
It’s back to Cardiff with that old soul of yours; a pizza delivery box in both hands and grief written all over your face. Somehow, you catch the right cues, say the right lines, and you find yourself in The Hub, the beating heart of this little part of the Torchwood Institute, this… thing created to bring forth your destruction.  
  
_And hers_, you remember all too well.   
  
And there he is, our Captain Jack. The smile you remember isn’t there. There’s no familiarity in the eyes staring you down. It’s only then you remember that he’s never seen this body before. In some ways, it makes you bolder. You stand toe-to-toe with this person who entrusted his life to you once (and look how that turned out). Words are shared. Things get heated. Guns are raised by soldier and scientist alike… and then he smiles. _That_ smile, the one you were looking for.  
  
It’s the smile he gives you before throwing a right hook to your jaw.  
  
**_The Doctor's entry into The Hub is a direct ripoff from spoilers of the series pilot that we saw in the "Army Of Ghosts" Confidential. Eve Myles' character, Gwen, infiltrates Torchwood by pretending to be a pizza delivery girl. I thought that if it worked once, maybe it would work again. Although, in the back of my head, I knew it wouldn't have the same results, which is why we have a angry Jack and guns at the ready. The team knows what to expect._**  
  
The blood trickling down from the corner of your mouth speaks volumes. As you slip into unconsciousness, you note that your blood doesn’t taste of iron.  
  
**_Originally, this fic had a lot more to do with blood. The original title for the was "A War Of Blood". I was trying to make a point between The Doctor's alienness and his human side, if you believe the TV movie to be canon. There's still some bits and pieces of that central theme in the fic, but the title wasn't working, probably because I hadn't built the theme up enough. Once I had my new title with the new subject of being "lonely", it naturally took the fic in a different direction._**  
  
\--  
  
We knew that would happen. You knew it too and tried to ignore it. What did you expect, Doctor? A joyful reunion? You left him in the middle of Armageddon! Alone! You expect one Time Agent to rebuild an entire world, and not come out a little worse for wear on the other side? You complete and utter fool.  
  
As far as we can see, you deserve that growing bruise that Jack gave you. Maybe that will teach you something about human emotions and how they can grow over time.  
  
We know you’ll never learn any other way.  
  
**_Substitute "we" with "I", and you get to see my protectiveness about Jack. This section originally was seething with RAGE over how The Doctor left Jack. The "bruise" was once a "broken jaw". There were a lot more exclamation points. While writing this, I was NOT happy with Rusty. For a lot of things. Mostly Jack not being in the AoG/Doomsday arc._**  
  
\--  
  
You wake up in a barren cell to see a nameless medic patching you up, no doubt with some alien tech they’ve managed to poke and prod until it turned on. You thank her – she scurries away. She’s wary of you, Doctor. The Institute’s training is doing its job.  
  
Only Jack knows of the true, destructive power that you possess.  
  
A power you, a coward (instead of a killer, any day), didn’t use.  
  
**_In a fic that's basically a coda for the S2 finale, I wanted a reference to the S1 finale. I used the parentheses as the narrator's "meta" to a fic that's already chock full of meta, if that wasn't apparent already. The narrator would remember and connect. Or maybe that's just all in my head. ;)_**  
  
He comes to see you 4 hours, 23 minutes, and 53 seconds later (of course, you would know that so precisely) and the anger is still there.  
  
He asks questions, questions that hurt where they shouldn’t. You answer with no ulterior motive. You want to get past this shite.  
  
You want to heal.  
  
**_As I wrote this, I knew that the notion of The Doctor wanting to "heal" could be considered OOC. But then I also thought about the previous episode and the Double Emo Tears Of DOOM, and maybe whatever he felt for Rose (whether you believe it to be platonic or sexual) would affect him differently than what he's gone through before. I'm not saying that Rose Is Special, but she was his first Companion after "Gallifrey Go BOOM", so that has to count for something._**  
  
But first: the Game Station. The Daleks.   
  
_Why did you leave me behind?  
  
Where’s Rose?_  
  
**_Jack is the only person in this story that gets to call Rose "Rose". Both the Narrator and The Doctor only refer to Rose as "her" or "she". The purpose for that comes from their shared personal state. We've just seen Rose "die". We've lost her. We're still grieving. To call her "Rose" would hurt too much. Jack doesn't know she's gone, therefore he doesn't have the pain. Yet._**  
  
The insane laugh you gave her after your regeneration is just a memory. The feelings it should conjure lie dormant.  
  
You want to tell him everything, but it’s two weeks before Doomsday. What can you say? What can you tell this man that you… that won’t pollute the timeline? Would he take the next train to London? Would he try and save her?   
  
Would he succeed where you failed?  
  
**_There are several things about these few paragraphs. First, I specifically set this story pre-Doomsday because I just couldn't fathom why Jack wouldn't be in the center of all this Ghost Shift/Dalek/Cybermen nonsense. As a "soldier" and, being from the 51st Century, he would have so much knowledge to share. Later on, I try to explain why he wasn't there, and I needed this here to set that up. Second, up until the last minute, there was another episode reference, specifically "The Satan Pit". I was trying to get The Doctor to almost admit that he loved Jack as well, like he did with Rose. But the betas thought it was clunky and didn't work, so it was taken out for the sake of flow. I understood that, but it was really tough._**  
  
_She’s gone someplace I couldn’t follow,_ you say. _She saved the world again, Jack, like she did before. She’s safe with Jackie and Mickey. I gave her a family, I gave her that much. Oh Jack… she was glorious. She truly was._  
  
He wants to believe you; you can see it in his eyes. That desperate look that says he wants her to be safe (which she is) and happy (which she is absolutely not)…  
  
_But why come here, Doc? Why now, after all this time?_  
  
Your answer is as clear as day – _I needed a friend._  
  
\--  
  
That half-human side of yours is showing. You want to forget. You want to go out to some bar with the only man in this era that knows you better than anyone. You want to get fucking knackered. You want to fuck or be fucked.  
  
**_And here's where the ball starts rolling. Even bringing up the idea that The Doctor wants to get drunk or have sex was quite foreign, even though I wanted him to be deeply affected by Rose's departure. It always felt like a rough transistion, like it came out of the blue. To this day, I don't know if that paragraph was a help or a hinderance._**  
  
You just want to forget. Forget that you let her down. Feel as raw as your throat did after… forget that even in her shining moment, you failed her.  
  
**_OH, DOCTOR. That one scene in Doomsday gets to me more than Rose's Mascara River or The Doctor's Double Emo Tears of DOOM. All that emotion that David managed just KILLS ME DED. I needed to mention that somewhere in this fic._**  
  
Just like all the others. Just like the man standing before you.  
  
_I’m sorry, Jack. For leaving you. All you went through, it got you here. Where you’re supposed to be. I couldn’t change that. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry._  
  
It may not be much, but you get an A for effort. It softens the edges that have formed around this con-man since the last time you saw him. You may get that drink (fuck) after all.  
  
**_I needed to get The Doctor out of Torchwood, and to appeal to Jack's affections for Nine seemed like the best way to go about it. I needed some way to bring down Jack's anger, and an apology from a person that doesn't seem to apologize *much* (yes, I KNOW, Ten's the exception) felt right. I even managed to get Ten's Famous Answer To Everything in there as well. I felt quite proud._**  
  
\--  
  
It pays to have friends in high places, it always did for you. We know about your tour of duty at UNIT. They must have moved heaven and earth to keep the Institute off your back during your “exile”.  
  
**_This question has always been in my mind since Torchwood was announced. I couldn't wrap my head around an Institute not trying to get their hands on the reason that it was created in the first place. Bad plot hole there, Rusty m'boy._**  
  
It pays now, because you’re no longer in a cell. You’re in Jack’s apartment overlooking the Bay. You have a home-cooked meal in your belly. A can of Brains Bitter on a coaster to your left. There’s the sound of dishes being washed in the kitchen behind you.  
  
**_For us non-Brits, there actually is a beer bottled in Cardiff called Brains Bitter. [I looked it up.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S_A_Brain);)_**  
  
It’s a picture of domesticity.  
  
She would be disappointed it wasn’t with her.  
  
It’s a very foreign thing, but you sincerely want to try, if only for her sake. And if you’re honest with yourself, it’s a welcome change from all the destruction you’ve left in your wake as of late. But if you're really honest with yourself, this could never be your life.  
  
**_I don't like this paragraph. It was a last minute addition, and no matter how much I tinkered with it, it didn't come out like I wanted it to. I think it shows._**  
  
Jack sits on the sofa beside you. Both of you are as nervous as schoolchildren. You take the initiative.   
  
Your head on Jack’s shoulder. Jack’s arm around your back. You shed more tears, although not as many as she would have done for you.  
  
Then it turns into comfort of another sort (we won’t say “sympathy fuck” because that’s just crude), but we’ll be blunt and say we were waiting for this.  
  
Sloppy kisses. Your tie being ripped off. Hands along skin. Untucked shirts.  
  
**_Sloppy kisses FTW! John Barrowman said it quite plainly last season that he played Jack like he *loved* both The Doctor and Rose. We know that David Tennant can have chemistry with anyone *except* Rose. Where I was as a fangirl when i wrote this, I couldn't pass on the slash..._**   
  
_This is what you wanted, right,_ he says between kisses. _I’ll give it to you. You know me. I died for you, once.  
  
I do. I know._  
  
You’re the one pushed backwards into the darkened bedroom. You’re the one that gets to sprawl on the sheets. The fingers in your ass. The cock in your ass. The heavy weight of Jack surrounding you until you can’t breathe. That eager mouth of his memorizing every plane of this new body of yours.  
  
It’s pain. It’s pleasure. It’s forgetting who you are for just a moment before it crashes in on your conscience –   
  
_This was what she wanted, too. The intimacy. The physicality of it all.   
  
The love._  
  
Somehow, you’re healed and broken again all at the same time.  
  
**_...even if it was completely fucked up. I knew that I didn't want The Doctor to be the "dom" in this situation. In his emotional state, I don't think he would be up to it. Pun ENTIRELY intended. ;) My first slash, everyone! And it's not even fluff! And if you want to go deeper into it, The Doctor was thinking about Rose, and even though I didn't write it this way, I really think Jack is imagining Nine. Ah, isn't replacement!sex fun?_**  
  
\--  
  
It’s still dark out. You’re still all sorts of tangled limbs and tangled sheets. And your human side is getting the best of you, Doctor. You’re getting attached. Again.  
  
**_Oh, good lord. The idea of Jack and Ten in a tangled mess gets me all hot and bothered. *fans self*_**  
  
_I honestly don’t expect you to say yes, but you’re all I’ve got now.  
  
Come with me.  
  
Please._  
  
You know that human cliché about a moment lasting a lifetime? You’re living it right now. You don’t really expect this man that you abandoned (with the heart that you broke) to come back to you. You changed him, Doctor. You made him into a hero, a hero carved out of hardship, despair, and most of all, loneliness.  
  
Both of you are lonely. We see that. Maybe that’s enough for a half-human bastard and a con-man. Maybe it’s not.  
  
But at least you tried.  
  
**_In my head, Jack says yes, and that's my reason why Jack wasn't in AoG/Doomsday. Even with all that The Doctor put Jack through, I still think there's a part of him that thinks he can get back that feeling that was there in those last episodes of S1. _**  
  
  
**_ This fic was a real stretch for me because I'd never written slash before or swore *that* much. I wanted the Narrator to be angry with The Doctor for his actions, even though they are entirely in character. Also, I had betas, which normally I go without. Without them, this fic wouldn't have the life that it does. They gave me so many good ideas and held my hand and gave me the courage to go the places that I never thought I could._**


End file.
